It's like riding a bike.

Here we are again. I know why I don't like to write as much. It starts when I think I have nothing positive to write down. Or when I think that nothing I have to say is interesting, as if I have an audience that is really reading all of my writing. But it's a new year and I feel like there are good things to talk about, even if all of them are not good. I'm learning it's okay to just let things out: feelings, wonderings, happenings, and even wishings. Because even if no one else sees what I share, it's important for me to remember and reflect. I've often thought about how I need to practice being more open in different aspects of my life. Be more open to learning new things, or letting people see into your thoughts and wishes. It's hard. But I am realizing that it's okay to do those things and one way to open up to others and new things is to open up to myself. Sounds weird, right? I figure that if I can admit to myself the things I need to work on or the things I want, I'll be more apt to open up to others.
The questions then is: why do I need to open up to others? Am I not an independent woman who can take care of herself? In most cases, yes I am! However, each day I am learning more about my self. One thing I have realized is that although I may be able to care for myself and work really hard to put that persona out there for others to see, it doesn't stop my heart from wanting and wishing. All my life (and I'm not exaggerating here), whenever my heart speaks up, my mind in all of its doubts and fears squashes such feelings down and away so that I don't let myself feel them anymore, at least for the moment. Times when I've been scared to move or when I notice a guy or even just when I think about traveling somewhere new. I think it's the whole idea of trying something new just because it's something new. It's easier for me to do something like that if I HAVE to but just because? Why should I?
And so it came to me: I need to be more open with myself. What do I mean by that though? To be perfectly honest, I'm still trying to figure out what that means. I think I have a good idea though. Perhaps it means that as I've gotten older and gained some useful experience along the way, I should be more honest with myself and do things with real intent - not just with my job but in all aspects of my life. Being more open might mean that I say things when they need to be said, do things because I want to and not because I have to. Maybe it also means that I let myself feel the lows and the highs. I've worked really hard over the past few years to not let myself feel the lows, and I've especially kept them from others including those very close to me. But as I reflect over that choice, I also realize I've worked very hard at not feeling the highs and not letting others see that too.
Thinking about all of this today reminds me of my favorite lyric from this song but I'll let you hear the song in its entirety.

"Let the pain remind you hearts can heal."

Hate to See Your Heart Break by Hayley Williams ft. Joy Wiliams